


Refusals

by Lenkia



Series: Regrets - the Series [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: !!!, Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo Deserved Better, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Blood and Gore, Blood and Violence, Child Abuse, Child Murder, Childhood Trauma, Dark, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Heavy Angst, I mean it, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex (if you do the math), Kidnapping, Like Father Like Son..., Mental Breakdown, Mentioned Organized Crime, Mentioned Underage Pregnancy, Mind Control, Mother-Son Relationship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Underage, Period-Typical Sexism, Psychological Trauma, Punishment, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Really dark, References to Depression, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Slavery, Spin-Off, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Rape/Non-con, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:14:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23085343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenkia/pseuds/Lenkia
Summary: Kylo Ren is haunted by his childhood. But it doesn't weaken him, though. In fact, it inspires him.A short Spin-off of my own storyRegrets.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Regrets - the Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1643605
Comments: 89
Kudos: 191





	1. Ben Solo

**Author's Note:**

> Holy SHIT you guys!  
> Here it is! My little surprise for you, the one thing people have asked me for soooo long; 
> 
> A little insight into my Kylo in my story [Regrets.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622183/chapters/44157640)
> 
> I didn't want to re-write the whole story in Kylo's POV, and neither make it like a sequel. So I thought that a few chapters of Kylo's mind would be perfect as a Spin-Off until I'll make the sequel (I really don't have time for it now, but will start with it once school is over!) 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it, and please, mind the TAGS and mind the fact that English is not my first language! 
> 
> Ofc, I recommend you to read my story [Regrets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622183/chapters/44157640) before reading this!

When Kylo thinks of Rey, he thinks of his mother. 

  
  


Kylo remembers his childhood like it was yesterday. He thinks that it haunts him. It does, it has too.

That why he got Rey, instead of continuing fucking whores at the human trafficking circle the First Order runs (a treat from Snoke, to all his workers). 

That’s why he provided for her,  _ after _ she started to behave, that wild little sunshine of his! 

That’s why he fucked a baby in her. Not just because seeing Rey destroyed, whimpering and crying on his kitchen floor with his seed leaking out of her is fucking hot.

Because Kylo’s childhood, simply, haunts him.

It doesn’t weaken him, though. It makes him stronger. It makes him powerful. Inspires him to murder, sell, snort coke and continue to keep his father running in his veins.

Yes. His father is the man he aspires to be and Kylo is happy that he’s fucking dead. Kylo still remembers the day his blood splattered across his face.

_ Blood is thicker than water?  _ It makes Kylo laugh. 

His father's blood spilled out of him like a fucking river. 

  
  


When Kylo Ren was little, he wasn’t Kylo Ren. 

He was Ben Solo. 

  
  


Ben was 5 years old when he realized that he loves his mother. 

It must have been before that too when he was too little too under the concept of love. But when he knows what love is, Ben connected that word to the feelings he feels for his mother. 

Leia. Her fair skin, beautiful smile and glittering eyes that was surrounded with lashes longer than normal. Her hair braided so beautifully, always wearing dresses reaching her thighs, no matter the temperature. She was young, just 20 years old and she looked like a princess. 

He remembers running around in the garden, a small area right outside the house as Leia chased him. Pretending to be some kind of monster who would bite him once she catches him but Ben didn’t mind if she did, because she would just shower him with kisses. That was more than alright. He giggled and screamed when she finally grabbed him and she would spin him around and hug him like he was her everything. Her most important item and most precious thing in the world. 

Ben loves Leia. He loves his mother. He loves her, even if she doesn’t let him run further away from the garden. They aren’t allowed. 

  
  


Ben was 7 when Leia started to teach him. 

They sat by the kitchen table with paper and pen as Leia learned him the alphabet. He didn’t know the concept of school, so he never questioned why he wasn’t going to one instead. He simply sat and listened as Leia pronounced every letter to him. 

Ben was a quiet, shy kid. Always nice. Never said anything mean and always listened to his mother. So it wasn’t hard to learn the whole alphabet fast, singing the song while writing them down on the paper. Then it proceeded to math and Ben did that excellent too. The lessons would become more advanced and Ben liked the challenges. 

Between every session they had, Ben would ask questions. And Leia would always answer them.  _ Always. _

It was only one question that she didn’t answer. 

“Mother, why can’t we leave the house?” 

Leia, who always smiled when looking at Ben, suddenly didn’t. It disappeared, just as the fire in her eyes and she would lower her gaze and stare out the window. It caused Ben to shiver and he felt guilty that he hurt her. He gripped her hand and kissed her cheek as an apology. 

Then she would continue the lesson. As if nothing happened. As if nothing had been asked. 

  
  


Ben was 9 when he realized that his father wasn’t normal. 

No, Han Solo wasn’t normal at all. He didn’t act as a father should. Like Homer from Simpsons or the other TV-shows Ben watched after he had lessons with his mother. Besides, Ben realized that it probably wasn’t normal to be scared of one's father either. 

Because he was. Ben was so fucking scared of him. Han Solo’s eyes were always blank, mouth in a straight line. Han never hugged him or his mother, never praised him when Ben proudly said the things he learned that day. His father just kept looking at him with dead, bored eyes that haunts him in his nightmares. And he always,  _ always, _ had some kind of blood dried on his face. Ben pretends that it’s ketchup. 

But he can’t pretend the fact that he barely saw him. Han would be gone, from 6 AM to 6 PM, and when he arrived home, it was as happiness completely left the house. The laughs his mother and Ben had during lessons felt too far away, even if it happened a few hours ago. It became gloomy, quiet. Like any little sound could cause a bomb to explode. Because Han Solo was one. A bomb. His temper was inhumane. 

They sat at the dinner table 6 PM sharp, the only sound coming from Leia cutting up the meatloaf while humming on some song. Ben sat in front of his father, swallowing nervously as Han glared at him with those dead eyes. Han made Ben nervous and scared, but not Leia. She wasn’t scared of him. And Han didn’t like it. 

“Ben, tell daddy what you’ve learned today.”, Leia sang happily while cutting the meat. 

“Sure.”, Ben whispered, feeling his hands tremble. “M-Mother taught me that the earth rotates around the sun and it’s a bit tilted, which affects the climate. That’s why some parts of the earth have more sun than others.” 

Han stared at his son tired, bored and annoyed before turning to Leia. 

“Why do you keep teaching him shit like that, Leia? Huh?” 

Ben felt his face turn red in embarrassment and something slammed against the table, making Ben whimper in fear. His eyes widen when he sees the knife Leia used to cut the meat, now stabbed into the table. Han didn’t even flinch, only glared at Leia bored whose eyes burned with anger.

“So he doesn’t become a fuck-up like you!” 

Ben was used to this by now. The fighting. Screaming. New curse words that Ben learned and it was always Leia who started. Always her that burst out in anger and even so young as Ben was, he knew that it wasn’t just what Han said that got her so mad. 

It was something else. Something deeper. She hated him for a reason Ben would later come to find out. 

Han had stood up and slapped her across the face. So hard that Ben could hear Leia’s neck crack by the sudden movement joined with her gasp and Ben whimpered, his eyes watering. Wishing he could do anything to protect his mother, but he was so scared. His whole body was shaking. 

Minutes went by before Leia placed both her hands on her cheek. Turning her head to glare at Han angry. Her eyes were dark. Fierce. 

“You can’t hurt me.”, she whispered to him. Ben somehow knew that he wasn’t supposed to hear this, but he did. “I birthed a child without anyone, anything. Right on that fucking couch. You don’t think I can handle some pain?” 

And Han just stared at her. Like she was boredom to him. Like the words were nothing but empty threats. 

A sob escaped Leia, her lower lip quivering and her eyes land on Ben, who is doing everything in his power not to make a sound, afraid that his father might notice and hurt him too. Han never touched Ben, but with his temper, you’d never know. He holds his cries, water running down his cheeks and he wants nothing but to save his mother.

But she saved him instead. 

Leia runs to Ben and takes his hand before hurrying her way to his room. Where she closed the door behind them and there they hide like they always do. 

Leia hugs him while he cries, digging his face into her chest and he doesn’t feel safe. He wants the door locked so that his father never touch Leia again. 

But he knows,  _ just knows, _ that if Leia did, a slap wasn’t the only thing she would receive from Han.

Leia wasn’t scared of him and Han didn’t like it. 

Ben was 11 when he realized that he wasn’t the only one who cries. Leia does too. 

It was one of those nights.  _ Again.  _ Ben doesn’t even know what they were fighting about, but soon Leia was screaming at Han and throwing a vase in his way. Before Han could do anything, Leia had taken Ben in her embrace and ran to his room. 

Ben was crying, holding his mother for dear life as they laid in his bed. She ran her fingers through his hair and told him that everything would be alright. Everything was fine.  _ Just go to sleep.  _

Ben was supposed to be asleep when he heard the door to his room open. He heard heavy footsteps towards his bed where he and his mother were laying together and Ben, who was pretending to sleep, was too scared to do anything else. 

“No, please. Not today.”, Leia whispered, her grip around Ben becoming tighter. It didn’t help though. A hard grip around Leia’s wrist dragged her out the bed forcefully and painfully, making her whimper as Han pushed her out the bed with nothing more to say. And even Leia, who always dared to talk back, didn’t. It was final and she knew it. 

Leia cried. 

Ben didn’t dare to open his eyes until the door was shut behind them, leaving him alone in his bedroom. 

Then the whimpers would start. 

He always heard them. Always. Late at night when he was supposed to be asleep. 

  
  


Ben was 13 when he went through puberty. 

It was hard. Annoying. Voice turning unsteady and hair growing  _ everywhere _ . 

But so was his body. Muscles he inherited from his father slowly appearing under the skin and length increasing constantly like bamboo. It should be giving him a confidence boost, but then during breakfast, his mother had said with a shaky voice;

“You look like your father.” 

And Ben got self-conscious instead, being shyer than he already was. He doesn’t want to look like his father. He doesn’t want to scare his mom. He’s not his father. He loves her. He would never hurt her. 

  
  


Ben was 14 when he knew what those late-nights whimpers were.

It had started completely innocent. Leia thought that now that  _ ‘Ben was a man _ ’ it was only fair that he knew how babies were made. 

Oh, how much Ben blushed. His face to the tip of his ears turned into a deep shade of red as Leia laughed at his extreme reaction, hugging him and annoying him through it all and Ben wanted to die in embarrassment, begging Leia to ease it with the details.

But he also didn’t want this moment to stop. He wanted Leia to always laugh, smile and hug him while embarrassing the soul out of him and he wants to hear her precious giggles till the day he dies. This moment would be dead and long gone the moment Han gets home. 

So Ben is totally surprised when it doesn’t. 

No, the day gets better. Han comes home and shocks both Leia and Ben when he takes out a bouquet of flower behind his back. Those big, in-every-color flowers that looked so absolutely stunning and all Leia can do is stare at them with wide eyes. 

“For my princess.”

It makes Leia cry, she almost dies in happiness. Jumping in place, laughing, smelling them and then she hugs Han while thanking him over and over again. Those big, precious hugs she gives Ben, before she leans out and kisses Han dramatically. 

It should embarrass Ben to see his parents make out in front of him, (which it does when Han grips his mother's ass discreetly,  _ but not too discreetly _ ). But seeing his parents doing anything but  _ not _ fighting eases him, it gives him some kind of peace. Knowing that the happiness Ben can’t give her, Han can in his own kind of fucked way. 

Han gives Ben a football and Ben can’t hide how happy that makes him. Then they have dinner and Leia smiles and giggles beside Han while Ben tells his father of all the things he has learned in the past few years. And Han smiles. He actually smiles. 

So when Ben goes to bed that night, he thinks that he’s never been happier than he has been today. He sighed satisfyingly into his pillow and closed his eyes with a smile, waiting for the happy dreams of today play in his mind. 

Then he hears a faint giggle and his eyes open. 

His parent’s room is just beside his, and that’s where the sound came from. He always hears stuff at night. The pipes, winds hitting the window and even sounds from his parent’s room. But he never gave it much thought, always crying to sleep since Leia and Han would fight violently every day. He slowly sits upon his bed, staring into the wall in the dark and waits until he hears the same giggle again. 

Yeah, it’s definitely his mother’s sound. 

With new...  _ knowledge _ , Ben simply can’t ignore it. 

He slowly presses his ear against the wall, feeling extremely guilty for doing something he isn’t supposed to do, but he can’t help it. He’s curious. Mother doesn’t have to find out, and neither does Han. It’ll be a secret.

“Han, stop it! Let me brush my hair…”, he can hear Leia chuckle through the wall, and Ben can almost imagine his mother sit in front of the wooden vanity where she always braids her hair.

Ben hears his father whisper something, making Leia giggle some more. “No, you won’t-” 

A sudden gasp together with the sound of a furniture shuffle against the floor makes Ben jump in surprise, almost losing balance and falling back to the bed. His heart race, figuring out that it was the vanity that suddenly got pushed into the wall between his and their room.

Ben’s is scared, not by the sudden sound, but that they’re fighting again. They had the best day of his life and they shouldn’t fight. Soon father would scream and mother would cry and there would be slaps and fights, and Ben’s heart hurts by the thought of it. 

But instead, he hears his mother moan and it takes many seconds for Ben to understand. 

Then he does. 

His whole face turns red, eyes widening and he tries to realize what’s going on, completely dumbfounded, jaw dropped. Yet he makes the stupidest mistake ever by pressing his ear against the wall once again and Ben just knew that they where either on the vanity or beside it because he can hear them  _ perfectly! _ They pant loudly, not the kind of breathing when you run, more hurried and Ben face crumbles in disgust when he hears:

“Ah,  _ fuck! _ ”, his mother moan and; “Yes,  _ yes  _ Han!“

That’s it for Ben. 

He flies from the bed and shriek in panic while jumping around, both his hands over his mouth. He gags, feeling his whole body tremble in disgust. No way,  _ no way!  _ His parents have sex? 

Wait. That’s how babies are made... right…. 

That night Ben is awake to morning, hearing his parents pant and moan all night. The wall-banging in a rhythm Ben knows all too well now and he heard it even with the pillow covering his ear. He groans annoyed and digging his head into the mattress as he cringed. He can’t look at his mother at breakfast, who hums happily while refilling the vase of water for the flowers she got from father. Ben stares at his waffles with half-opened eyes, dark bags under them. 

He heard his parents have sex all night. Yikes. 

“Aren’t they lovely, Ben?”, Leia asked way too happy, voice bright and eyes sparkling. “Your daddy is so sweet, Ben! Look how beautiful, oh your daddy is the best, I love him so much.” 

Ben doesn’t know where the sudden annoyance comes from, doesn’t know why the word vomit just escaped his mouth. But being way too tired, hearing his parents have sex all night and the constant talk about his ‘amazing’ father, made Ben boil in anger and he suddenly says: 

“He hits you every day, and you forget that over  _ flowers _ ?”

It became way too quiet. 

Ben freeze, realizing what he had said and he slowly looks at his mother who’s staring at him in shock. Eyes wide open, lips parted, pale in the face. 

Ben had never said something so mean to his mother, never had an attitude towards her. So shame quickly fills him, face turning red in embarrassment and he stands up. Catching her trembling lips and shiny eyes before he ran to his room. 

Ben shouldn’t have said that, but it is the truth. 

Sometimes Ben can’t hide how much he hates his father. For hurting his mother, even if she loves him. But Ben doesn’t love him. Ben hates him. Always has. The moment he knew the concept of the word hate, Ben had linked that feeling to his father.

And he would hate him even more. 

Because when Ben was 14, he knew what those late-nights whimpers were.

When Ben was 15, he had killed his father. 


	2. Ben Solo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guy's I'm not kidding; This is THE MOST EXPLICIT thing I've ever written.
> 
> Please, please PLEASE take my warning seriously when I say this is VERY TRIGGERING and PLEASE MIND THE TAGS!

When Ben was 15, he had killed his father. 

The day when a 14-year old Ben Solo knew what those late-night whimpers were, it had been a normal day. 

It had gone a week of the eerie silence that was being played between him and his mother. After the first outburst of anger in Ben’s life ever, Leia hadn’t said anything to him and neither did Ben. They simply ignored each other, gaze lowered as they walked through the house like two ghosts, waiting for their master to arrive. Different sorts of shame causing them to repel from each other, yet both missing each other’s company. Missing the small laughter and love they managed to find in the dark, unhappy house. 

The words that Ben had screamed at Leia seemed to really affect her, because dinner had been weird the rest of the week. She would always hum while cutting the food, lean towards Han and  _ yearn  _ for any kind of attention he could give her, even if it was a slap or a demand. 

But she was quiet instead. Cooking the food, serving them and stared into the plate while they ate in silence, and Ben was filled with nothing but shame for hurting his mother with his cruel words. He wasn’t like his father, he didn’t want to hurt her. Why did he say those things? He missed her low singing, missed her big hugs and wide smiles. He missed his mother. 

Han hadn’t noticed anything, didn’t give a fuck about Leia while he ate and then left without thanking for the food. The flowers he gave her were slowly withering in the wase and so was she, shrinking in her seat as day by day went by without any notice from her man.

Ben cried a lot that week, alone in his room. He promised himself that he would never fight with mother again. He promised himself, the last day of that week with the awful silence between them, that he would ask for forgiveness. Right after dinner when Han left. 

That same dinner had been the worst moment in his life. 

Ben had sat by the kitchen table, guilt boiling in him while he stared into his plate. His mother did the same, dark bags under her eyes and a layer of sorrow across her face. It was quiet and the food placed by the table was slowly turning cold. They waited on father, he was late. Way  _ too  _ late. He was always home by 6 PM, but now the clock showed 7:08 and Ben didn’t dare to ask mom where he was. She didn’t seem to care either, eyes half-opened and glazed with tears. 

The door finally opened and before any of them could understand what was happening, Han has stumbled into the kitchen and the sight traumatized Ben. It still does, sometimes.

His father was  _ covered _ with blood. Splattered across his body like painting and the scene looked like it came straight from a nightmare. Ben felt his eyes widen in shock, blood turn ice cold by the sight and he whimpered loudly.

Because Ben immediately understood that the blood wasn’t his, for no man in the world would smirk like that if being hurt. Han’s eyes were hazy, pupils dilated as he chuckled for himself, or by the sight of his frightened son, barely standing straight as he slowly walked towards his family and Ben thought he would shit himself. He even saw some kind of white powder under his father's nose before Leia stood up in pure fright. 

“Han!”, Leia cried, completely horrified. Like everything had been forgotten, Leia hurried her way to her son and immediately pressed his face to her chest, hugging him hard to cover him from the sight his father brought in. Even if that was the cause for her hug, Ben still took the opportunity to hug her back, missing his mother’s warm embrace. A week without his mother was pure torture. “What the fuck is wrong with you!?”

Leia was already crying, Ben heard. Her body trembled, even if she stood like a lioness protecting her cubs, and Ben knew that she was as scared as him. Yet she stood in front of him like a human shield. 

Ben clenched his eyes, sobbing.  _ He loves her so much. _

“Leia, you fucking bitch…”, Han muttered and Leia shivered violently. Ben had never heard him slur while talking, completely out of it, and it scared him. “Haven’t I fucking told you to  _ talk with respect!? _ ”

“Fuck you!”, she screamed between sobs, voice breaking. “I fucking hate you!”

Everything suddenly happened so fast. 

Ben has seen his parents fight, seen Leia kick and scream and Han doing the same. 

But this, this was nothing compared to what he had seen before. 

Han had gripped Leia’s hair and Ben watched, with fright and horror, how he dragged her away from him with outreached arms. Han threw her on the floor, like a rag doll with no care, completely blinded by rage as Leia cried. Ben watched her scream, trying to stand up and flea, but before she could, Han caged her from behind. His blood-covered body keeping her from moving, chest pressed against her back. 

Ben was frozen, eyes wide and lips parted. He couldn’t move from his seat as Leia fought for freedom while crying.

“15 years and you still haven’t learned to behave!”, Han spits through clenched teeth into her ear, anger seeping from his voice and Leia whimpered, arching from his grip. “I guess I have to punish you!” 

Then Han’s hand move to push her dress up over her backside and Ben saw Leia freeze. Her eyes widen and her face turned ivory pale when understanding what was going on, what Han was going with. 

“No…”, she whispered, meeting Ben’s eyes with her own panicked ones. He couldn’t do anything but to stare in complete horror, lips quivering. 

_ What is happening…? _

“Mom…?”, he managed to whimper through his tight windpipe, but it was unhearable under his mother's cries. 

“No, no no Han no!” Ben has never heard her scream this loudly, never seen her fight so violently. Legs and arms kicking for freedom and her cries were nothing but a high-pitched shriek and it reminded Ben of the baby hares he would sometimes find in the forest around the house. He would gently pick them up, yet they started to jerk like crazy and give away an awful shriek that didn’t sound sane, making Ben shiver panicked and let them go in terror. “No n-not in front of Ben, Han please!” 

He simply ignored her, one hand pressing her body down while the other opened his trousers and Ben trembled, his breath turned heavier and he couldn’t look away, he can’t  _ look away what is happening what is happening?! _

“Ben, don’t look don’t look, go to your room, Ben close your eyes-” Leia screamed, reaching her arm after him as tears ran down her eyes in a complete mess. 

“Oh, but shouldn’t little Ben know how he was made?”, Han laughed and for the first time that day, he looked at his son and a part of Ben’s sanity died. His father dilated, drugged pupils and eerie, wolf-like smile, together with the blood and white under his nose, scared Ben in such a way that he had completely frozen in pure horror. Quiet, helpless tears running down his eyes. “Right here, Ben. Right fucking here, with mommy screaming on the kitchen floor, just about your age!”

“Ben, don’t listen to him, go to your room please Ben please-”, Leia shrieked and she was interrupted by Han slamming her face into the floor, causing her to cry in pain.

Ben was there, but at the same time, he wasn’t. 

Despair was the only thing that existed in his mind. He was shaking like a leaf, he was crying while staring, and he whispered after his mother over and over again. Like she would  _ actually _ come and save him. 

But he doesn’t remember that he did. Everything around him zoomed out, like his brain was trying to help him cause less damage by making him forget the details. So the memory off if it is brief as if he was watching it through a foggy mirror. 

But he still remembers. He still heard it. 

He heard Leia cry, cry loudly after Ben to not look, to go to his room, to stop staring. He heard his father whisper stuff in her ear, stuff his brained blocked out too, and he heard her screech when his father sank into her. 

And the whimpers started. 

The same, old whimpers he heard every night and Ben felt his sanity slip through his fingers, felt his breath turn heavier and faster at the realization of what was happening.

Those cries he heard every night.

Mother whimpers that came in a steady rhythm, fathers violent whispers he can’t figure out, the sound of clapping bodies. Almost every night.

Was this.

It was this. Ben had known that it’s sex but it’s not  _ right _ , it’s wrong. It’s a punishment, a brutal sinister punishment that is worse than slaps and cruel words and it’s this torture that mother went through every night, while Ben slept in his bed unaware. For the last 15 years. 

It’s…  _ this. _

Broke down. 

Ben broke down. 

When Ben was 14, his father raped his mother in front of him. Ben lost his sanity that same day. 

Ben Solo died. 

And slowly, someone else was born...

“Ben?” 

He didn’t answer. His mother’s worried voice sounded faint, like he was underwater when actually, he was laying in bed. The cover over his body, back towards her and eyes hazy and half-opened. Breathing the funky air over and over again as his mind was nothing but an empty shell. Voices echoing inside. Mother’s cries.

Over and over again. 

He didn’t want to live anymore. 

“Ben, please answer me…”, his mother whispered, unshed tears hiding in her voice and a gentle hand placed on his head, covered with his blanket. “You… you weren’t supposed to see that baby, I’m sorry- I’m sorry…” She was crying now, sobbing freely and for a second, Ben thought that he should just turn around and lie. Tell her that it’s alright, that she shouldn’t apologize and later, when she was satisfied and left, he would just take a knife and slit his wrist-

“Leave him alone.” His father’s voice made Ben freeze inside, yet he stayed still with the same apathy that has been ever since that day. “He’ll get over it.”

“But- but Han, he has been like this for two weeks!”, Leia cried. “He hasn’t eaten anything-”

“Leave. Him.  _ Alone. _ ” It turned quiet and Han’s demand was final. Leia sobbed, frustrated by her lack of power and Ben heard how he took a hard grip of Leia, leading them out his room before closing after them. 

It turned quiet again. 

Ben didn’t want to die anymore, for something inside him kept him alive. 

Anger. 

It kept growing. Like a tumor, it took over every part of his brain until there was nothing else to think about than  _ him. _ It was the same anger that grew even bigger and it turned into revenge and the need to feel blood. 

It grew, as Ben slowly rots in his bed. Staring into the wall with half-closed eyes, barely breathing for almost 3 months. Most nights, Ben would be wide awake and hear Leia whimper through the wall between his and his parents. He kept still, still with the same apathy, but he bit his lip. Until they bled. His eyes would twitch, and he stared, stared, stared into the wall all day and night, didn’t sleep anymore. Just thinking about  _ everything _ as his mother kept crying through the wall. 

Ben was thinking about the fact that they weren’t allowed to leave the house. 

About the fact that his father kills a lot of people. 

About the fact that Leia birthed Ben when she was about 15 years old. 

About the fact that Ben is a product of…rape. 

Ben slowly sat up on the bed, felt his weak muscles working after weeks of not moving.

And he started to hit his head on the wall. Over and over again as blood ran down his face. As every moment in his life, every question, connected and suddenly it all made sense. It made sense, and it fucks Ben up so badly that he continued to hit his face on the wall. 

_ With the knife in the kitchen.  _

_ With the hammer down in the basement.  _

_ With a cord around his neck.  _

Over and over again. 

  
  


Ben heard his mother cry a lot. She cried for him a lot. She begged him to wake up, especially when Han wasn’t home. That’s when she could scream and sob freely for him, without his father lashing out on her. She would shake his body and repeat his name over and over again until Ben thought his name was the sound of breathing. Until her voice turned lower and lower. Until he was floating underwater, and her screams were nothing but voices from above. 

He felt bad for her. He is not his father. He doesn’t want to hurt her. 

Ben found strength on his 15th birthday because he could hear the beater being used from the kitchen. That only meant his mother was baking him a cake. Like she does every year.

He felt like a zombie when he slowly stood up. His weak legs shaking under him as he slowly walked to his door, breath heavy and muscles overworked by just three small steps. Every cell in his body screamed for him to go back to the bed and his heart yearns for an end to his miserable life. It wants a knife and it wants it to slit his wrist.

His brain works on the fuel that was to please his mother and kill his father. 

Ben could barely walk down the stairs and he glanced at himself passing the mirror. He doesn’t recognize himself. 

Dark circles, muscles deflated and face just skin.

_ End your life. _

_ End his life.  _

  
  


Ben thought he could do this, but he can’t.

Leia had sliced him a big piece of cake and it’s staring at him from the plate placed in front of him. His mother was happy,  _ way too happy  _ when Ben came downstairs. She cried by the sight of him and he wasn't sure if it was the fact that he was finally awake for the first time in a month or the fact that he was basically skin and bones. 

She pretended that everything was fine. She pretended that nothing happened. She pretended all while smiling forced and cooing over her  _ delicious  _ cake when she puts the plate in front of him. But Ben knew that the big piece was implied for Ben to gain his weight back. 

He thought that he could do this, but he can’t. 

Ben stared at the cake with hazed eyes and lowered head. The world around him was like a dizzy and unsteady fiction, as if Ben was sitting in a bubble. He heard his mother talk with fake excitement, continuing to pretend as she converses with Ben like they used to. When it was just them, and their happiness was each other. But the conversation was one-sided.

Ben felt his father stare at him. 

It’s dinner, Ben thought, because otherwise, he wouldn’t be sitting here. Ben couldn't remember when he arrived or when he sat by the table, but he could feel his eyes burning on him with filled with hatred. All while Leia kept panicking and talking and laughing with too much enthusiasm as if nothing ever happened,

nothing ever happened

_ nothing ever happened- _

“Be quiet, Leia.”, Han suddenly said with a hard voice, interrupting Leia’s panicked nonsense and she obeys imminently. She swallowed in alarm, started to sweat as she glancing at Ben who still stared at his cake with half-closed eyes, shrunk in his seat. 

Han leaned forward, watching his son while fury flashed across his face. 

“Son.” Ben looked up with the same apathy across his face. The call only caught his attention because of the way his father addressed him.

Han never addressed him. He never called him that.  _ Son. _

Han lowered his voice. “You better behave for your mother and have some  _ fucking _ respect. She did all of this for you and you act like an ungrateful, little bitch.”

Leia whimpered, placing both her palms over her face and Ben continued to stare at his father with the same indifference. Han does the same, almost challenging him in a game they both know he will win. 

A giggle echoed in the kitchen, and it takes a few seconds for everyone in the room to understand that it comes from Ben. 

He doesn’t really understand it himself when he felt the muscles in his face turn upward in a smile. His body shuddered, trembling by the laughter rebelling to come out and before Ben knew it, he starts to laugh. 

Hollow, painful laughs and both Han and Leia stare at him with equal shock. But Ben can’t control it and he doesn’t find anything funny, but nothing about his sanity was normal anymore. It was long destroyed and gone the moment Han fucked Leia on the kitchen floor, so it doesn’t surprise him when he started to  _ really _ laugh. Crying with a broken smile on his face as tears ran down his cheeks, staring at his father while sobbing in either despair or humor.

Han slowly leaned back on his chair, crossing his arms in victory. 

“B-Ben, what is wrong with you?!”, Leia cried in dread but Ben kept laughing, gripping his hair as he stared into the table, body quivering. 

“ _ Respect, respect... Ungrateful little bitch…. _ ”, he wheezed before he quickly stood up, swaying his head as he kept snickering.

“‘ _ Haven’t I fucking told you to talk with respect!? _ ’”, Ben screamed, so suddenly that Leia winced and before they knew it, Ben was reaching for the drawer and he took out the sharpest knife violently. It sounded so  _ smooth _ when cutting the air. 

The tense, thick air. 

Leia cried loudly, pressing herself against the table in pure panic as she sobbed by the sight of her son pointing the knife at his father with twitching wide eyes and lips in a wide grin. 

Han kept staring at him with the same lack of interest. 

“Ben-”, Han said cooly as Ben took one slow step towards his father, completely ignoring his mother’s cries.

“‘ _ 15 years and you still haven’t learned to behave! I guess I have to punish you! _ ’”, Ben sang, repeating the same words from that day, because it has been played in his head over and over again for the last month like a broken record and Ben just finds it  _ so funny! _

“Ben!”, Han screamed, standing up in rage but it doesn’t stop Ben and finally, the knife was pointed right on him, just inches away. Ben continued to laugh, waving it around his face carelessly.

“‘ _ Right here, Ben. Right fucking here, with mommy screaming on the kitchen floor, just about your age… _ ’”, Ben finished in a whisper, eyes sparkling with unshed tears and satisfaction by the fact of what was about to come. 

Finally, finally,  _ finally! _

Han understood the meaning of his ranting, about the fact that Ben has it  _ all _ figured out by now and Han proceeded to stare at him with nothing but despise.

Just as he always had. Just as he always did.

“You won’t kill me…”, Han whispered, causing Ben to laugh. Dancing the knife around his face unbothered.

“Fucking watch me!” 

Han resumed staring at him with passivity, eyes switching from one side of his face to the other as Ben heaved loudly, body shaking. He couldn’t figure out if it was a panic attack or just excitement.

Then Han smiled.

“Like father, like son…”, Han whispered and then he laughed, his own insanity slipping and Ben caught something unusual in his voice, in the undertone of his words. Something he has yearned from Han his whole life.

_ Proudness _ . 

Ben sighed in satisfaction. 

_ There it is... _

Then he lets his hand slide across his father’s throat and the blood that splattered across his face felt like the first rain of 15 years of deadly thirst for approval.

The warmth of the drops felt like the warmth of a fatherly hug. Of fatherly love Ben never had and he sighed happily when it continued to pour over him, feeling dopamine dancing in his system like drugs.

He barely noticed Han’s trembling body, his ridiculous chokes, and his mother's shrieks as Ben enjoyed the rush of pure joy, satisfaction, and relief of finally obeying the anger that has been boiling in him since that day.

Of the revenge, he has yearned for.

Of finally hearing that his father is proud of him.

Ben was dancing on a cloud, a white fluffy one, that embraced him and warmed him up inside by the fact that he’s finally gone. He’s dead.

_ He’s proud of me. _

“Han!” 

Ben was interrupted from his high when he heard his mother scream, which she must have done for a long time because her throat seemed sore and she was a trembling mess by his father’s dead body, crying and almost on the verge of vomiting.

“Han, no, baby wake up no no  _ no no no!  _ Wake up baby I love you I love you don’t go no  _ no no _ !”

She was rambling, yelling and crying all at once and Ben couldn’t help but feel weirdly confused. 

“But mother…”, he whispered, the smile still glued to his face and water drops running down his face. Happy tears. He placed his hand over her shoulder and she froze under his palm. “We are finally free-” 

Ben can still, to this day, feel the sharp slap on his hand when Leia pushed his palm off of her with such hatred and force. It hurt, but the psychological damage it did to him was worse. Leia turned to Ben and she bared her teeth, eyes red and hands covered in her man's blood up to her elbows, in a stupid attempt to save him. 

“You fucking bastard!”, she screamed so loudly it echoed against the walls and Ben stared at her with wide eyes. It took a few seconds for him to understand that it was him she talked to because she has  _ never _ said such things to him before. Such... awful stuff.

It only got worse.

“How could you do this Ben, how could you kill your father, you monster! Monster!” 

“B-but-”, Ben stammered, feeling his eyes tearing up in a panic. “B-but mother, he-”

“I loved him, I loved him, Ben, how could you?!” She fell to her knees, a complete mess of tears, screeches and sobs and Ben couldn't understand, he didn't  _ understand-  _ “It doesn’t matter that he hit me or raped me or whatever he did because it was my fault! I deserved it! I deserved it, I wasn’t good enough for him, he didn’t deserve me!” 

“No- No!”, Ben screamed, his breath turned heavier and soon his vision became blurry and he can’t breathe.  _ What was he hearing, what was she saying?! _ “Mother y-you didn’t deserve it- I’m not the monster mother, he is! He  _ was _ ! I’d never hurt you mother, I love you-” 

Leia snapped her head up and it was there he realized himself, that Ben Solo died. 

He didn't really understand it at first when his sanity got slaughtered by what he witnessed in the kitchen a month ago, but now he did. Now he understood. 

Because what Leia was about to say, what he was about to, was  _ not  _ something Ben Solo would  _ ever _ do. 

Because he loved her. 

Ben Solo loved Leia. 

“I don’t love you….”, she shrieked through clenched teeth, tears streaming down her face. “I hate you… I  _ fucking  _ hate you, Ben! You were just a mistake, you should've never been born! I should’ve listened to Han when he forced me to get an abortion, but I was so fucking stupid and refused! So stupid!  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid- _ ” 

Inside Ben was a drop, a drop of memories and it fell to the ground, free-falling towards gravity's direction.

The drop was a little boy running around the garden, a child's laughter filling the air. It was a mother and a son, giggling by a book when learning the A, B, C. It was enjoying birthday cakes, always in the flavor of chocolate because it's her favorite and he wants her to enjoy it too. It's quiet cryings, hugging and trembling bodies wrapped in each other and it's whispers against his forehead that tells him to go to sleep. 

_ Go to sleep Ben... _

The drop shattered to the ground and the small pieces flew in every direction and cuts and slaughtered everything around him. 

Blood splatters everywhere, just like his father's. 

_ Just like... his father.  _

“I hate you, Ben.” 

  
  


When Ben was 15, he had killed his father. 

And his mother. 


	3. Kylo Ren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all I managed to summarize the whole Regrets in one chapter like OMGG!! But from Kylo's POV ofc. 
> 
> I once again recommend you to read Regrets because this chapter will refer A LOT to Regrets. Let's see if you still remember and can connect every part to each chapter! ;))

“What we doin’, sir?”

Kylo inhaled the smoke of the cigarette, felt the nicotine do it’s work as he sighed in relief, tipping the stick out the small spring of the open car window and letting the ashes surf with the cold October wind. It had been fucking freezing that night.

The two men sitting with him in the car watched Kylo fish up a black folder, opening it and pointing at the black-and-white photo of a young boy. Even at such a young age, some teeth were black and parts of his hair gone. Sad image. His damn fault. 

“See this motherfucker? He should’ve paid his debt about 2 hours ago. Fucking junkie.” Kylo throws the folder away. 

“Once they get into that fucking heroin, man…”, one of his men said, shaking his head disapprovingly. Kylo hummed in approval and stared out the window once again, waiting for a moving figure in the dark. 

It was an easy task. Assassinate the crackhead owing Snoke many dollars, and leave. The two men in the car with him were only needed for muscles, to carry the body from the crime scene and to the car. Kylo could have handled himself just fine, but ‘finishing’ businesses out in the open requires one to be fast before the cops arrived. It wasn’t always that the men from the Order were on duty. 

They all became alert when they saw a skinny, young boy wearing a ratty hood glance around himself nervously before slipping in between two tall buildings and Kylo cursed under his breath. The buildings were apartments and anyone could be awake and witness the murder take place. 

Kylo had reached for the silencer, a cigarette resting between his lips as he glanced at the clock. It had been around 2 AM.

“Let’s get this over with.” 

* * *

_ “Han  _ fucking _ Solo. That motherfucker….”  _

_ Ben was still sitting in his parent's blood. All dried and sticky now, the two lifeless bodies slumped on the floor as if they were potato sacks rather than once human beings, but he didn’t care. He was staring into space, into an emptiness where nothing was functioning and nothing was alive and his father didn’t hurt his mother and his mother hadn’t hurt him. It was just… quiet. Ben thought that this must be a taste of death. He wants it so bad.  _

_ He can hear men walk in and out of the house. Men in black suits and guns stuck into their waistbands. Just like his father once walked around like, so even if he was gone in a reverie, Ben could pretty much conclude that these people must be his father's co-workers. Whatever the fuck he worked with.  _

_ “Master, the woman was the kidnapped daughter of the famous politician Skywalker. Leia Organa. She went missing 15 years ago.”, someone says but Ben barely hears it. He’s underwater and every sound is just vibrations. _

_ “Mhm… So you are saying that one of my closest men, had kidnapped and made a child with this woman, right under my nose?”  _

_ “That seems to be the case, master.” _

_ Someone had called his father. The sound of his telephone vibrating in his pockets disturbed Ben so deeply because now he could take it and call someone for help. But who would he call? What would he do now? He has no one. Not even his mother….  _

_ Ben had picked it up with trembling hands and when someone asked for his father, Ben had simply whispered; _

_ “Han Solo is no more.”, before hanging up.  _

_ It only took an hour before the house was filled with men in black, investigating and informing each other of the incident that has happened in their own group.  _

_ Ben suddenly feels a cold, wrinkly hand placed on his shoulder.  _

_ “You killed your parents?” The voice was venomous, old, and disgusting. Yet there was something in it that made Ben turn his head to the source. It was the power that hid under his tone. Pride and knowledge that Ben admired and wanted more of. Curious about knowing that there was more than just his father's greed existing in this world. The sight of the old man wasn’t pretty, hanging skin and crooked, yellow teeth lined up in an ire grin that caused Ben to shiver violently.  _

_ “Yes…”, Ben whispers, voice hoarse and breaking. It all felt unreal. His father's death was a joy, his mothers were the complete opposite, causing a balance that contained neither hope or despair. It was simply grey.  _

_ The old man raised an eyebrow. “You have your father's anger in you. I can see that already. You could make a perfect apprentice. Maybe even take over your bastard father’s place as my cleaner.”  _

_ “Cleaner?”, Ben repeated, confused. Did his father work for this man? _

_ “Don’t you worry about that. Not yet, anyway. You have much to learn.” The old man chuckled and Ben simply took his hand when he helped him stand up. “Good thing you killed your father because I would have otherwise. Keeping goods that would have sold well is a crime in the Order that’s punished by death. Anakin’s  _ fucking _ daughter… that daring bastard.” _

_ Ben ignored his insults. “The Order?”  _

_ The old man grinned once again.  _

_ “Welcome to the First Order, son.” _

* * *

How Rey managed to be Kylo’s poor victim was all because of his problem of containing his anger. 

Kylo was supposed to assassinate the junkie quietly. With the silencer on and tiptoe back with the body to the car. Snoke always reminded his workers in the Order to work in silence. Don’t brag and scream about your riches, your immunity, or the group's success. It was always the loud-mouthed gangs that got caught. Who made sounds and shot around cities to scare and show the people who were in charge. 

No, don’t make sounds. Work quietly. Stay low.

It’s the First Orders slogan and they followed it religiously. Yet Kylo had done the complete opposite that day. 

He didn’t even screw on the silencer before he lost his temper and shot the fucker.

“Please, come on man!”, the boy had stuttered, trembling like a rat and biting his bleeding nails. “I h-have the money tomorrow, I promise- just wait, come on man, be nice!” 

Kylo felt his men behind him give each other unimpressive glances and Kylo had sighed loudly. 

“Either you give us what you owe the First Order now, or-” Before Kylo could finish, the rat had interrupted and spit in high rage.

“Y’know what? Fuck you! I won’t listen to Snoke’s bitch-”

The rat had made his first mistake by disrespecting him. Interrupting him mid-sentence. That’s a big no-no. 

But calling him Snoke’s bitch?

Kylo hadn’t even remembered taking out the gun. His anger simply turned his vision black and soon he was screaming as he had shot the boy about a hundred times, his body jumped and blood-splattered with every hit before he fell to the ground. He was long dead after the first shot, but that didn’t calm Kylo down one inch. So he continued to assault the body until he ran out of ammo. It didn’t calm him though.

Kylo heaved loudly once his body woke up from his raged trance. Staring at the blood seeping out the lifeless body and feeling only anger for not making the death more painful and sinister.

Kylo and his men had simply stared at the rat after, who twitched in his pool of blood. They had recognized Kylo’s mistake but was too scared to point it out. The shots still echoed in their ears and over the city, alarming anyone in the radiate of miles that businesses of the First Order had taken place. 

_ That  _ was a big no-no and Snoke would  _ not _ be happy. 

Kylo had sighed and dragged his shaking hand over his hair, angry at himself for slipping again. Everyone in the Order knew about his problem of containing his rage. Many broken noses, and deaths, was the evidence. 

He takes that after his father, he guesses.

Kylo stared at his trembling hand after, noticing then that the blood of the boy had splattered all across his body, face, and hair. Rat blood. _ Disgusting. _

“Take care of the body.”, Kylo had spit through clenched teeth, and soon his men wrapped the boy in white and carried it to the car. Kylo lightened a cigarette while they did as he stared at the blood. They had to leave it like that, no time before the cops came. 

The creeping feeling of being watched made Kylo raise his head slowly, knowing that his loud mission would cause attention and trouble, but not so soon. Like a snake, he had snatched his head to the side suddenly to catch the staring culprit, only to be met by a pair of hazel eyes from the window on the second floor. 

It had surprised him, seeing a young, frightened girl stare at him with a dropped jaw. At the time, Kylo hadn’t thought much of her. Only annoyance. That he had a witness and that she had to be dealt with. 

_ Poor thing. _

Kylo didn’t see anything in Rey until she started to beg for her life. 

Up till then, she was just a victim. The typical wrong-day-wrong-time one, who had the misfortune of not being asleep at 2 AM. 

Hux had been fucking with him, taunted him in front of the whole Order, and Snoke about his anger issues and that _he_ should deal with the consequences. Oh, how he dreamed of cracking Hux' skull. Dragging his teeth out, one by one. Pop his eyes out. 

It was the only thing he thought of, even up till the moment he pressed his gun into her head in the cold, empty forest. 

“No, please! No, let me live, I swear I won’t say anything I didn’t say anything please don’t kill me!” For the first time, he actually  _ looks _ at the girl and the sight is awful. Dirt and tears and snot a combination across her face, body shaking for air and ugly, loud sobs that sound inhumane. “I promise I didn’t say anything I didn’t God please let me live I’ll give you anything, anything as long as you don’t kill me!”

And it was in that moment that he saw his mother in Rey. His mother screaming on the floor beside his father’s dead body in the kitchen, crying in the pool of his blood. As if her life had no longer any meaning. 

As if he was the only reason to be alive. 

It was that moment that Kylo saw his mother in Rey. 

She is a wild fucking beast, but Kylo never backs down from a fight. 

She kicks and screams, cries, and spits. But Kylo only sees a wild cat that needs to be tamed and oh how he  _ loved _ to tame his wild sunshine of his. It only took him a week, which surprised him. With her stubborn spirit, he expected a longer fight but then he remembered what Hux had said. 

_ Rey Niima. She works at a café. Orphanage. No family. Easy kill. _

That made things so much easier. So much better. Just like his mother, he would make sure that he was her everything, her sun, and reason she’s alive, breathing. Kylo would become her God and she would worship him like one. 

Just like his mother had worshiped his father . 

Poor thing.  _ Poor thing.  _ Sure, she was scared, frightened, and he allowed her to be. But there would be no disrespect. Not in his house. And sometimes his wild sunshine would overstep, not knowing how uncontrollable his anger could be. Poor thing, he did almost drown her and he marked her as his when she said another man's name in  _ his bed! _

But it’s alright, he forgives her. Every punishment she went through, was a step closer to achieve his goal. 

When Rey finally became a good girl, when she asked for forgiveness, on her knees, and sucked him dry right there on the kitchen floor, Kylo knew that he did it and  _ fuck _ he was proud of himself. She had cleaned the house, made him dinner, and parted her legs. Walking on eggshells around him as she should, and came on his tongue unwillingly and  _ thanked him _ for it! 

Perfect. 

Fucking perfect! 

Kylo had completed his goal. 

He had the house - his old house that he bought much later and renovated to his liking - and he had his complying, worshipping Rey that was moaning and crying under him as he thrust into her hard, whispering dirty stuff into her ear, careful to not touch the bandaged letters on her hip. 

But something was missing and he quickly knew what it was. 

A child. 

Kylo grits his teeth and pushes into her the deepest he can before cumming. Even after she falls asleep, he pushes the cum leaking out of her back into her swollen cunt, a sleepy moan escaping her parted lips. 

Kylo grins. 

Two months later, Rey is crying and telling him that she’s pregnant. What once had been anger for the way she bit him when he had taken her, quickly became the closest thing he has come to happiness. Proudness maybe. 

The way she was pleading for an emergency pill and when he had spanked her ass so hard she could barely stand as punishment weeks ago, was suddenly a forgotten memory. Thanks to his father's method of giving flowers, Rey never dared to open her mouth again when they fucked. He made sure to cum deep into her and then he stared at Rey and waited for compliments, ready to punish. It never came, only her lovesick eyes that wanted a kiss. Her daily kiss. 

His mother never wanted kisses from his father. No, she wanted attention. Rey wants kisses. 

His sunshine is a hopeless romantic.

_ Poor thing.  _

Kylo can't love anything. He’s unable to give or accept it. But she’ll figure that out, eventually.

Kylo promised not to hurt her, the way she was pleading and sobbing made it hard not to. Any other situation would have earned her a slap across the face, but even Kylo wasn’t wicked enough to hurt a pregnant woman. 

_His_ pregnant woman. 

He kisses her abdomen, seals his promise right there in the middle of the bathroom, and places one of her legs over his shoulder as he lets his tongue work over her sweet cunt. As he glances at Rey, who’s moaning and gripping his hair in ecstasy, he decides that she’s going to give birth on the couch. 

Kylo will make sure of that. 

Kylo loves to see her barefoot and pregnant. In her short-short nightgowns, it would always be easy to just bend her over and take her. Easy access. 

He also realized that one night when it was snowing, that he likes to see her happy. When she stared at the white flakes fall to the forest ground with a small smile, Kylo wants her to touch it. Because she’s looking at the snow as if she can’t. As if there isn’t just one layer of glass between her touch and the white coldness. 

Kylo would give her - his child -  _ everything.  _

So he takes her out. Like a dog, he lets her play in the snow while smoking a cigarette and he realizes that he likes to see her happy. 

He liked to see his mother happy. 

She tells him that she loves him. And one hour later, she tells him that she hates him.

Kylo isn’t capable of love, so he simply stares at her when she wails. Her trembling hand around his wrist tightening as she claims her love for him. 

Kylo doesn’t care. He  _ forced  _ her to love him. Just as his mother was brainwashed by his father. He knows that it isn’t real. 

But he does care when she screams at him one hour later. When he had pressed her against the wall and choked her to the point where she almost fainted. Because even Kylo knew that he did wrong, hurting his child. But he couldn’t help it, he got angry seeing her with his phone he forgot and his anger is like a fire. It burns everyone around him. 

Kylo knew that Rey would be a good mother - because Leia was one - but he hadn’t expected Rey to be a  _ better _ mother. No, Rey’s love for the child wasn’t even close to his mothers. Apart from Leia, Rey actually  _ dared _ to leave the abusive household for the sake of the child. Kylo hadn’t expected that, he didn’t. So he’s surprised when he wakes up the same night, alone in bed. 

And he fucking explodes. 

Kylo had his gun and he killed  _ everyone. _

As soon as he arrives at the First Order’s lay, he knows that the word is out because those who once were his co-workers, is now aiming their guns to him.

But Kylo is angry and he’s fast. He manages to shoot them before they even get to pull the trigger and some of them are smart. They simply lay their guns down and run. 

Hux is one of them and  _ fuck,  _ Kylo is going to make sure to make him his bitch!

The last guard falls to the floor before Kylo slams the door open with his foot. In the throne room sits Snoke, his eyebrows furrowed, and yellow teeth bared in ire. He’s too old to stand, too old to defend himself and his bodyguards are long gone. He knows his fate, and his pride is big enough to accept it.

“I should’ve known that you’d get yourself a whore as Han Solo did.”, Snoke hiss, causing Kylo’s eyes to twitch. Blood running down his body like paint. “The blood running in your family’s veins is filthy and stinks of betrayal! You’ve betrayed your master, just like your bastard father!” 

Kylo aims the gun to Snoke’s head and he smirks. 

“ _ Like father, like son… _ ”, Kylo laughs, before pulling the trigger. 

  
  


Kylo remembers his childhood like it was yesterday. He thinks that it haunts him. It does, it has too.

Because even when Kylo tries to forget that it all happened, he can’t. 

Rey escaping, that fucking journalist's threat, his sunshine pushing the gun against her temple. 

He should just shrug his shoulders and move on. He will just never acknowledge the child and forget that Rey ever existed. They aren’t important. Just as Leia and Ben weren’t important to Han. 

But even when he’s sitting in the whore house, some slut sucking his dick and staring him in the eye, he can’t stop thinking about her and the child and it bothers him to the fact that he pushes the whore of him disgusted and tells her to get the fuck out of here. She runs away confused and frightened. 

Kylo didn’t understand. 

Then he visits Rey and gets a slap across the face. She hiss and spits and Kylo sees the same Rey that he had captured. But more fierce. Stronger. 

A better mother. Someone his own mother never was. 

And Kylo realizes that he… cares for them. Something his own father never did. 

So when he visits her the second time, when she cries that she loves him while he thrust into her, he knows that even though he forced her to love him, even though she tells him that she never wants see him again and even though she goes to therapy to try to delete the brainwashing, she still holds on to her feelings. 

She still tries to love him. She still loves him. 

It’s something no one has ever done before. 

Kylo’s childhood haunts him.

It doesn’t weaken him, though. It makes him stronger. It makes him powerful. Inspires him to murder, sell, snort coke, and continue to keep his father running in his veins.

His father is the man he aspires to be, but he can never be him. Because Kylo realizes that he can do something his father couldn’t. 

Kylo can love Rey.

And he’ll make sure that she’ll never get rid of him. He’ll make sure of that. 

She can’t refuse him now. 

She _won't._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What plans do you think Kylo has for Rey in the future...?
> 
> My other stories…
> 
> [Heartbreak](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21035480) \- One-shot. Angsty, romance, cousin-incest, smut ;)
> 
> [Jewelery](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23776255) \- One-shot. Dark, Robbery, smut. 
> 
> [A String Attached To Your Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21375145/chapters/50917576) \- Looong story. Soulmate-AU. 
> 
> [Straight Line](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22639330/chapters/54108079) \- Four-shot. Dark, fucked-up marriage, smut.


End file.
